What drives me...

I have always known that I wanted to write.  I enjoy it thoroughly but the issue has always been that I never know quite what I want to write about.  I have this nasty habit of starting to write and then losing my passion for what I was writing about.  I have an unreal amount of writing projects that I've started and never finished.  The good news for me is that I finally know what to write about.  The bad news is that this is no love story or fairytale.  It's an autobiographical non-fiction.

Everything changes when you learn that you have lupus. That pretty much sums it up. I was diagnosed with SLE in October of 2010 and I'm still learning how to adjust to the changes. I got sick in the beginning of August and I didn't really think much of it. I just went about my business and when I was still sick two weeks later, I went to my doctor. Since that time, I've felt more like those little tomato shaped cushions that seamstresses use to stick their pins in than an actual human being. To make matters worse for me, SLE brought along a bunch of buddies for the ride. I have a severe B12 deficiency, hemolytic anemia, iron deficiency anemia,neutropenia, Sjogren's, Von Willebrand's disease, Raynaud's disease, peripheral neuropathy and a lot of vitamin and mineral deficiencies. The hardest part for me was learning that I also have lupus nephritis. I've had a history of kidney infections since I was a child so that adds an extra jolt of terror to my heart.   It seems as if every time that I see one of my doctors, I find out about another ailment that I have. SLE is affecting so many of parts of me and now I know that I have to learn to adapt.  I will need to learn how to maintain balance.   I have to learn to bend and not break. I know that it'll be a lesson in acceptance, and I know that it'll be hard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in my diagnosis. It saturates me. Lupus is a factor in every decision that I make. I can't even go outdoors without making sure that the temperature and wind chill aren't going to make my joints hurt more than they already do.  I'm anxious about being in stores where everyone touches everything and the notion of all of those germs being on everything makes me cringe.  How can I not worry?  I've seen children lick shopping carts!   The harder that I fight against the changes that lupus requires me to make, the more that I feel defined by lupus. I'm hoping that by learning to bend without breaking, I will be able to take my life back, even though it won't be exactly as it was before.