Oh boy...

I'm in an extraordinarily bad mood today. I was doing an excellent job of fighting off all of the sickness that I've been exposed to and now I'm sitting here on my couch with an earache,a sore throat and a very runny nose. I would complain about the body aches, too, but I can't tell if they are illness related or lupus related. I really tried so hard to avoid getting sick and I'm angry now because I feel like it was for nothing. The end result is the same. All I did was postpone it.

I think that the possible sickness is just the tip of the anger iceberg. I can't stand having lupus. It's not the pain that gets me the most. It's not even because it's incurable. I can deal with those things. What I'm struggling with is the parts of my life that have been changed. I don't know how to grieve for all that I've lost because of lupus, so instead I just try to not think about that aspect of my illness that much.

Unfortunately, that's the problem. I think that because I'm trying not to let my feelings show, it's easier for anyone who interacts with me to just pretend that I'm not sick. I'm not sure how many people do it because they don't take lupus seriously, or how many people do it because it's just not something that they feel affects them. I know that there are people who avoid talking about it because it's an uncomfortable subject and I know that there are people who are sad about my diagnosis. I can look past what other people think as long as it doesn't affect me. Today, however, I am very much affected by pretty much anything.

I get that life doesn't stop happening just because I have lupus and I don't expect it to. I'm just having a hard time dealing with the assumption that if I have a good day, then that means that I shouldn't be having too many more bad days. I resent that! If I have a good day, it's never because I was pain-free. I haven't had a day since my flare started where I wasn't in pain. Just because I don't complain all of the time doesn't mean that the pain is gone. I know that people grow tired of listening to me complain and I've grown tired of complaining about how much pain I'm in.

I still work full time and when I can, I like to volunteer for the Red Cross. I know that it may seem like if it's too hard, I shouldn't do any of it. It's simple, really. I am mor than capable of doing things like work and housework, but it doesn't mean that I'm not in a butt-load of pain. I've just learned to adapt to my disease. I'm not extraordinary in the least, I just have the ability to function and be sick at the same time.

I realize that this turned into more of a rant than I wanted it to be, but I needed to get it all out of my system.

Lupus sucks!