It's been an interesting day. I think that this is the kind of day that happens when there is a lesson to learn. It would seem that when all kinds of situations just fall into your lap without warning, then that means that there is something to learn whether you want to or not. I think that there are coincidences and then there are odd occurences that just seem to strike at a time when you are trying your very hardest to ignore that the lesson does need to be acknowledged at the very least. The goal is to learn the lesson and move on, but sometimes if we persistent and dedicated to procrastinating, we can get a little more time to find another way to not deal with the opportunity to learn. Yeah, it would definitely be easier to just move forward, but I have gotten pretty decent at finding little nooks and crannies to hide in so that I can dodge my lessons and hopefully get some time to do one of two things: Regroup and tackle it head on or find a better place to hide and hope that I don't stink at Hide & Seek. Sometimes I'm just completely at a loss for a resolution to a problem or the ability to know what the right thing to say would be. I usually find a way to figure it all out, but not before I make sure that I have enough time to become a total recluse for a bit. It's usually then that I can figure out what's next.
I don't do well under pressure. In fact, I have made some incredibly dumb decisions because I find myself under pressure and then I react because at that moment in time, making a choice no matter what it is, will be a relief. It's like playing Pac-Man and all of a sudden realizing that Pac-Man has dots all over the place and there are ghosts on his tail. It seems dire and then a panic sets in and then before you know it, you stop doing anything at all and then you are ghost food! If Pac-Man were real life and I were Pac-Man, then that could create some major problems. I'd like to learn to adapt to pressure and not letting pressure drive my actions.
I'm pretty grateful for answering machines and caller ID because those buy time for me. I know that at some point, I will have to wear my "big girl pants" and handle unsavory situations like a responsible adult. I know that I can, but I also worry depending on the circumstances. Ideally, everyone talks it out, like adults are supposed to do, but how often does a situation actually work out that way. It's been my experience that some confrontations end up being the kind that belong on Jerry Springer, and I don't even need to be involved! I sometimes wonder how the Hell it happened considering that I didn't talk to anyone about anything. It doesn't even need to have anything to do with me at all! I take the "No Drama" stance and I like it for me.
Maybe the lesson is that I don't have all the answers and even if I did have advice, is it feasible that the advice that I can offer would be listened to. Sometimes I'm not the right person to ask and often times, I've been on the recieving end of a tirade that doesn't involve me and I don't know all of the people involved. How could I possibly be helpful with something like that? I am also pretty sure that relationships are give and take and considering that the people in my life that are putting me in an awkward position do not know me at all. I know that I wouldn't feel comfortable with asking for and taking advice from a person that I really knew anything about. I mean, really. What if I was completely insane but just hid it well?
I'll be braver soon. I know I will, but for the time being, I think that hiding out is the best solution. Anytime that I try to tackle an issue without hiding first, I am driven by emotions only and how I handle it is only serving me. I'll just feel bad afterward and since I don't like that feeling, I wait. I also bounce a lot of situations off of Steve. He's great for helping me to be logical when it's needed and to be aggressive if that's called for.
I think that I also need that space to consider long term ramifications and weighing out the benefits versus the detriments. My only hard and fast rule is that it's never a good idea to engage crazy! Everything has a way of working out in one way or another. Sometimes it's that time frame that can clear up my mind so that I can make a decision based on what is really the way that I want to handle things instead of lettng Pac Panic set in.
I used to consider myself a coward, but now I can see that I need the time to step outside of myself and see the situations for what they truly are. That's the way that it will have to be for me. At least for now/
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