Making the choice.

It's becoming very clear to me that I need to redefine my definition of what constitutes a "Good Day". I can't wait around for the pain to be gone before I can allow myself to be happy. Lupus has given me levels of pain that I have never experienced before. Lupus is relentless and brutal. I believe that once I get past this flare, I'll have a better understanding of it but I won't delude myself into thinking that it won't be so bad the next time. The reality is that it is very likely that any future flares will be pretty bad. This one has definitely owned me so far. That's why I need to change my expectations so that I can put my focus on all of the parts of my life that ARE good instead of letting the physical pain consume me. It will take me apart if I give it my permission to have that kind of control.

The kind of pain that I'm in doesn't become less intense with the passage of time. It doesn't operate according to any particular set of guidelines. Lupus is a very personal experience for every person suffering from it because of all of the complications that tend to come up. For that reason, lupus is incredibly difficult to diagnose. In fact, there are people with lupus who spend years seeing doctors from so many different specialties only to be given a vague diagnosis. Worse yet, there are those who are told that the pain that they are living with is all in his/her head and most likely related to depression. I am lucky in this respect. My blood test results supported a lupus diagnosis and the positive ANA results couldn't be argued. Even so, from a pain perspective, it makes no difference because my treatment options would still be slim. A person who lives with an incurable chronic illness does so knowing that the pain could subside but it can resurface and be as excruciating as it was before. There is no comfort in hoping for the pain to just go away or in hoping that you can get used to how much you are hurting. I can't live that way.

So here is my plan. I plan on trying to find happy moments in my days. I can't have pain be the ruler by which my happiness is measured. I know that I'll still have days that are just lousy, but my odds of having good days will be increased. It's definitely worth a shot if