Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I should just have all of my passwords be "password"...

Wow.  I can't believe how long it took for me to finally remember my password so that I could keep up with my blog!  Better late (really, really late) then never.  I wasn't ready to give up on this blog.  I put a lot of myself into it and to start over with a new blog would have been quite the kick in the ass for me. This brings me to tonight's blog.

I'm learning so much from being knocked my ass repeatedly.  Truly, I am.  I have to!  If I didn't use the experiences that I've had to learn from, then every one of those experiences would have been pointless.  I know that in the grand scheme of things, I'm losing...but I don't have to lose the lesson.  

When I have a good day, my experiences have taught me to enjoy those days and wrap myself in the memory of how good I felt that day and to really appreciate the gift of a good and happy day!  The good days can often be few and far between so I'm learning true appreciation.  Now even if I'm having a really rough day, I can go to that mental good day vacation and hold the happy feelings in my heart and let that help see me through the rough days.

I'm learning to slow down when it's necessary to do so instead of hurting myself by not listening to my body when it tells me "Whoa Simba!  How about you just take some time to rest instead of being too stubborn and proud to know when it's time to just stop."  That is an area that I struggle in.  I think that I should be able to do everything that I could do before getting sick and I'm often too proud to ask for help when I need it.  I'm learning that asking for help is not a sign of weakness.  I know it's going to take practice for me in this area but I'm not going to give up on learning this lesson.

I think that the most important lesson that I can take away from this health crisis journey that I've been on is that I'm strong.  I'm not trying to psych myself out with talk of being strong.  I know that I'm strong now.  I most definitely fall a lot and I most definitely let myself feel sad, angry, frustrated, etc...BUT I always get back up again.  I may get up slower than I used to, but I still get back up.  I'll always keep getting back up.  It may not be graceful.  It may not be inspiring.  It may appear that my perception of getting back up is really insignificant because it could be something as simple as I walked up and down the stairs with minimal pain, but to me, that's a pretty big victory!  I know that I have a lot of strength that I can tap into and the strength is the catalyst for me to rise up!

Sadly, I'm learning that "normal" is going to take on a new meaning for me.  I still struggle with that but I know that with enough time and patience with myself, I can thrive in my new "normal".  It doesn't mean that I have to like it.  It just means that I have to pull myself up and embrace the new "normal".  My goal is to turn my "normal" into "my normal",

It's been a hard journey for me and I knew that I could never run away from it.  I found myself at a crossroads and I felt stuck there for so long.   There was a choice be made  by me.  I could choose to just give up and let my body just beat me down and then just stay down or I could choose to not accept being defeated and to try my hardest to keep going and cherish the victories that I achieve, no matter how big or small that those victories might be. 

I'll never quit.  "Quit" is just another 4 letter word in my vocabulary.  I may have moments of weakness and sheer terror over what the future holds for me but I'm stronger than my fears and Steve hold me up when I have times that I'm running seriously low on inner strength.  The love that Steve gives me is so often the difference between me feeling like everything is hopeless and the feeling that I'm loved and I'm strong.  I married a wonderful man!

So, that's all I have for this blog entry.  Sometimes painful experiences prime us for being ready to handle anything that life has thrown at us.