It's very calm this morning...almost too calm.

I didn't sleep last night.  I think that had I just left the TV on and watched it until I eventually fell asleep then I wouldn't feel the way I do at this moment.  Not sleeping gives me time to think about how incredibly fragile I feel right now. 

I'm afraid.  I'm not always the best with words and that is especially true when I'm expressing fear.  Sometimes I feel as if the best course of action for me is to just take my "Baby Junior" replacement that Steve got for me after my old "Baby Junior" somehow ended up headless, my Care Bears, my "Kitty Blanket" and my "Prayer Blanket" and just assume the fetal position until the storm passes. 

I know that it takes time to recover from ailments like blood clots and I know that I need to be patient and give the medications time to stabilize.  I know that it can take a while before my INR is within the range that I need it to be in.  My blood is monitored closely and when changes need to be made, they get made.  I know that I'm in good hands but I'm still filled with the kind of fear that makes me want to hide because I know that if I say that I'm scared, then I'll have to confront those feelings and it's pretty much a given that I'll cry if I talk about it.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I've done enough crying to last the rest of my life.  Fear isn't the only emotion that's smacking me around right now.  Anger came to keep Fear company.  I'm angry at myself for ignoring the pain in my leg for as long as I did.  I know better than that!  I'm angry at my body for treating me like the enemy which I know isn't logical, but my emotions are currently the ones who are in the driver's seat and I'm just a passenger in the back seat and that pisses me off! 

Life has become...painful.  Daily injections of heparin, doses of warfarin, constant finger pokes to check on my INR followed by adjustments to my medication.  Thankfully, I handle that kind of pain well.  It's the fear that debilitates me.  It's like a cloud hanging over my head, just loaded with blood clots to chuck at me. 

OK, my "sad party" is done now and I'm ready to put my "big girl panties" on and face the day with hopefully a bit less fear and with some more patience and serenity.

Gordon Ramsay's the man!

I love Gordon Ramsey!  I like to live vicariously through him.  He gets to say whatever he wants to say and I totally envy that!  He never has to hold his tongue and that must be amazing!

Oh, to be able to say whatever pops into my head without consequences!  Oh, Gordon Ramsay, I love you!

A love note to words

Words are magical.  Words conjure feelings.  Words can feel like an enchantment and words can feel like a malediction. 

Words can be tortuous when they are raw and visceral.  There are times when words cannot be delivered in any other manner.  Words can be polished and poised, full of confidence and as a result, cultivating a feeling of assurance in others.

They are heartrending at times.   The agony in the words can thicken the very air that we breathe with bitter sorrow and helplessness.    They are inspiring at other times, giving hope to those receiving those words.  We can feel motivated and supported, we can feel joyful and we can feel loved.

Words have the potential to disarm and placate but the potential also exists for words to incense and enrage.

Words can provide a feeling of connectedness and unity among those who share them but words left unsaid or unwritten or words full of apathy and indifference can create a schism which could prove to vast to navigate.

I can think of no better way to sum up how I feel about words than this:  I love words.  I know that "love" seems like a broad word with many different interpretations but it fits how I feel.  It's not fancy and the word "love" is thrown around so often that maybe it loses some of the meaning but it's the perfect word.



 

Love is such a challenging word to define

I was speaking with my Olivia tonight and it struck me that she is love for me!  I could never love another person like I love her.  She has wonderful qualities (some nature and some are nurture) and she isn't afraid to try new things even if it's a challenging goal.  I love that about her!

I love the way that she can melt and turn back into the kid that thought that mom had good answers.  She has a kind heart and a lot of courage.  I love that she's talking to me more and that gives me as much joy as she gets from talking to me.  

I love my daughter without abandon!  Sometimes it all I can do to not just run up and hug her because she is so loved and I always want her to know that!

She blesses me.

Thank you, Steve!

I mean that.  I really do!  I just want you to know that I really appreciate all that you have given me, done for me and the ways that you've always supported me when I needed it most.  I also want to thank you for reminding me that I need to be willing to put my needs first every now and then and I love you for that! 

Happy anniversary, my love!  I love you!

I married a man who redefined love in a healthy way!

What can I say?  Steve is the love of my life and of that I am sure!  I don't have even a shred of doubt as far as that's concerned.  He has loved me completely without holding back and  that restores my faith that real, true, deeply rooted and unconditional love exists and that I get to experience it from him!  I'll keep it real...I'm not the same easy to love person that I used to be since I got my plethora of diagnoses.  That really can be a game changer for many couples.  I sometimes think that he might have a better shot with a woman who isn't "broken" but then the thought occurs to me that he stays because he loves me and it doesn't feel like he stays with me out of some sense of obligation to me.  I will always be grateful to him for still finding me worthy of love despite all of my flaws.  

He has been a trooper all the way through my sickness and has made it his priority to shelter me as much as he can.  He is home to me.  It might sound a bit hokey, but there it is.  He is my rock when I find that I just can't keep my chin up and be strong.  He never hesitates to step in and become my wall when I need that extra protection.  I'll admit, I'm much more fragile at times than I would ever want to let anyone know but with Steve, I can break down and allow myself to be fragile and vulnerable and I know that what I'll get from him is love and support.  Most men might be tempted to either shove me and my SLE & friends baggage out the door or just completely ignore my needs, but not Steve.  Steve is the best man that I know. 

The more time that I spend with him, the more I say to myself "Whoa!  This guy is the best guy ever!" and it comes from the heart.  From the first time that I met him, I knew that he was something different and that was most definitely a change that I wanted to make!  I find more things to love about him every single day and somehow that helps me feel better on an emotional level.  

He's a blessing to me.  A gift.  He lets me break down when I need to and he's my biggest supporter.  He knows what I need sometimes without even asking.  I love these things about him.  He makes me laugh even if I might feel like crying and he really talks to me!  I don't mean just superficial talk that some people have, but deep conversations that make us think.  Actually, I feel like being his wife makes me a little smarter! 

I wish that there were more people like my husband in the world because he is phenomenal and every person should have a mate that makes them feel as loved as Steve makes me feel.  I didn't really know what love was until I met him and the feelings that I have for him are so much stronger than anything that I've ever felt for people that I'd dated in the past.  When we are just sitting around talking to each other, sometimes I get so overwhelmed with how much love that I have for him that I feel like my heart might just grow out of my chest!!!

He's worthy of love!!!