Thursday, March 7, 2013

It's very calm this morning...almost too calm.

I didn't sleep last night.  I think that had I just left the TV on and watched it until I eventually fell asleep then I wouldn't feel the way I do at this moment.  Not sleeping gives me time to think about how incredibly fragile I feel right now. 

I'm afraid.  I'm not always the best with words and that is especially true when I'm expressing fear.  Sometimes I feel as if the best course of action for me is to just take my "Baby Junior" replacement that Steve got for me after my old "Baby Junior" somehow ended up headless, my Care Bears, my "Kitty Blanket" and my "Prayer Blanket" and just assume the fetal position until the storm passes. 

I know that it takes time to recover from ailments like blood clots and I know that I need to be patient and give the medications time to stabilize.  I know that it can take a while before my INR is within the range that I need it to be in.  My blood is monitored closely and when changes need to be made, they get made.  I know that I'm in good hands but I'm still filled with the kind of fear that makes me want to hide because I know that if I say that I'm scared, then I'll have to confront those feelings and it's pretty much a given that I'll cry if I talk about it.  I don't want to cry anymore.  I've done enough crying to last the rest of my life.  Fear isn't the only emotion that's smacking me around right now.  Anger came to keep Fear company.  I'm angry at myself for ignoring the pain in my leg for as long as I did.  I know better than that!  I'm angry at my body for treating me like the enemy which I know isn't logical, but my emotions are currently the ones who are in the driver's seat and I'm just a passenger in the back seat and that pisses me off! 

Life has become...painful.  Daily injections of heparin, doses of warfarin, constant finger pokes to check on my INR followed by adjustments to my medication.  Thankfully, I handle that kind of pain well.  It's the fear that debilitates me.  It's like a cloud hanging over my head, just loaded with blood clots to chuck at me. 

OK, my "sad party" is done now and I'm ready to put my "big girl panties" on and face the day with hopefully a bit less fear and with some more patience and serenity.